To: a Boy

This is kind of like a diary post. Also my first poem thing, I think. I wrote it as a story but it fits better as a poem.

I was insecure.
Home was a nightmare,
Especially when she left me with him.
But that's a story for another day
Hopefully with a happier ending.
This is about a boy.
My earliest memory of you
Is of you pointing at me
Speaking with a friend.
I knew it wasn't good by the faces you both were making.
It was shock
Disgust
And happiness;
A face I'd seen all to often in my life.
I've never felt fully confident in myself.
I try to mask it with humour.
Mostly offensive
Some of which was more of an announcement of how I truely felt.
But all in the suspense of others. I'm not proud of it.
But the faces you made were not intentional on my part.
I had no idea what I was doing.
I tried to mask my lack of esteem with too much eye liner
Burned out hair 
Tight clothing.
If I appeared to have it all they'd believe it.
Its sad that you brought so much joy to me
But my first memory of you is such a sad one.
The time you were around
I didn't know.
The speck in the corner of my eye.
Then I realized I should pay attention.
Then I found out.
The pointing wasn't really relative to me at all
But my actions for a friend.
We were friends
I cherished your company.
Everything was so simple.
You understood my humor
And I understood your mumbles.
As time past
The things I looked over began to shine.
You had baby fat.
Who didn't?
We were all still basically babies.
Things others found grotesque,
I found endearing.
You thought the same of me.
A boys best friend doesn't ask how you feel about the boy with no intention.
But I didn't know how I felt,
So I said no.
Flirtation was all around.
Even our friends did some of it for us.
Jokes about losing our virginity together
Friends moving so we could be near eachother.
It was bliss.
I didn't want it to end.
The same best friend asked again. I couldn't lie
I could tell he knew before asking
But his fake shock still made me blush.
Soon you knew for sure
Then everyone knew for sure.
I wish I could say all those firsts then happened.
First hand-holding through the halls
First kiss
First makeout
Other firsts.
But everything changed.
You felt you had more power.
It made you cockey
And made me sick.
You'd think the cockiness would make you do something.
But you didn't.
You hid behind flirtatious comments and internet chats.
I pretended to like your music.
I don't know if you liked mine.
You did try.
Once, but I wasn't home.
Then there was the flat line.
You were gone but I grew.
I had a self esteem,
And a boy-man to have some of those firsts with.
He was manly and older.
I was done and over you.
You weren't over me.
You tried.
If you can call it that.
I don't know why I needed to hear about a muffin?
We drifted again.
I didn't want firsts with you.
I didn't need firsts.
I needed a friend
When I approached you for this you agreed
Then never made true contact with me.
You ignore me when I really wanted you.
I got the friend I needed from another.
I got the friends I needed from others.
I thought I didn't need you
But I do.♥